When we are in a relationship, sometimes we don’t automatically recognize red flags or signs of abuse. Abuse can be verbal, psychological, physical, sexual, or emotional. It can be passive-aggressive. While dating, we often overlook red flags, mistaking “love-bombing” for genuine affection, unaware of potential issues.
Top 10 Red Flags
Red Flag #1: Love Bombing
Love bombing is when someone attempts to influence a person through demonstrations of attention and affection. It can manifest as numerous gifts, spoiling, frequent affection, constant attention, etc. They shower, or bomb, you with flattery and devotion. They do this to gain control or influence behavior. It is a form of manipulation and seduction used by sociopaths and narcissists.
In a small town, Emily met Jake, a charming and attentive man who seemed too good to be true. From the moment they met, Jake showered her with compliments, gifts, and constant attention. This made Emily feel like the most special person in the world. He texted her all day, planned extravagant dates, and told her he couldn’t imagine life without her. At first, Emily felt swept off her feet, believing she had finally found the love she had always dreamed of.
But as time passed, Jake’s affection became overwhelming. He grew upset whenever Emily spent time with friends or family, insisting she should focus only on him. He pressured her to commit quickly, claiming it would prove her love. When Emily hesitated, Jake accused her of not caring enough and threatened to leave. Realizing Jake’s intense attention was a red flag of control rather than love, Emily ended the relationship. Though it was difficult, she walked away, knowing that true love doesn’t come with conditions or attempts to isolate and possess.
Red Flag #2: No Boundaries
Abusive behavior includes not having and crossing boundaries. If you don’t set healthy boundaries for yourself and stick to them no matter what, an abusive person will cross them.
Sarah loved making new friends, so when Lisa, a new coworker, showed interest in hanging out, Sarah eagerly got to know her. At first, they hit it off, but Sarah quickly noticed that Lisa had little regard for personal boundaries. Lisa would show up at Sarah’s house unannounced, text her late at night, and borrow things without asking. When Sarah tried to set some boundaries and explained she needed space, Lisa would say, “We’re friends, right? Friends are always available for each other.”
Not wanting to hurt Lisa’s feelings, Sarah tried to be understanding. But Lisa’s behavior escalated. She invited herself to Sarah’s family gatherings, shared Sarah’s private information with others, and made plans without considering Sarah’s preferences. Whenever Sarah expressed discomfort, Lisa guilt-tripped her with comments like, “I thought we were close. Why are you pushing me away?”
Sarah eventually recognized the red flags that Lisa wasn’t respecting her boundaries. She knew that a real friend would understand and honor her need for space. Recognizing that she couldn’t continue a friendship that disregarded her feelings, Sarah decided to distance herself from Lisa. The decision was hard, but it taught Sarah an important lesson: healthy relationships require mutual respect, and boundaries ensure both people feel valued and secure.
Red Flag #3: Gaslighting
Being labeled as “crazy” by your loved one is a big sign of potential abuse. This is called gaslighting. Pathological lies verbally abuse you by breaking down your boundaries. If you know something to be true but there is something negative about the liar, they will do whatever it takes to make you think you are crazy, that you imagined it, etc. Verbal abuse can be loud or subtle. It is not just shouting, but also lies or insults.
Maria and Tom were married for several years when Maria noticed small things missing around the house. She was missing her favorite book and important documents. When Maria brought up these missing items to Tom, he dismissed her concerns. He made comments like, “You must be misplacing things” or “You’re just being forgetful.” Over time, Tom’s comments grew more frequent and assertive. He insisted that Maria had already thrown away the documents or lost the items somewhere else, even though she was certain she hadn’t. Tom’s dismissive remarks made Maria question her own memory and sanity.
One day, Maria discovered a letter she had been searching for hidden in Tom’s drawer. When she confronted him, Tom denied knowing anything about it and accused Maria of snooping through his things. He claimed she was unreasonable and was overreacting. Maria started to doubt her own perceptions and felt increasingly anxious, unsure if she was misremembering or if Tom was deliberately manipulating her. Maria only understood that Tom’s behavior was a form of gaslighting designed to undermine her confidence and control her after she talked to a trusted friend, who helped her recognize the red flags of manipulation.
Red Flag #4: Isolation from Friends & Family
Mental abuse can be very isolating. Isolation is a sign of abuse. Mental abuse can turn you against your own logic, which can be devastating. Abusers can also turn others against you and make them see him (or her) as “the good guy.”
Ella and Mark had been together for a few years when Mark began subtly isolating her from her family and friends. At first, he made harmless-seeming requests, like suggesting Ella skip family dinners to spend more time with him or criticizing her friends by claiming they didn’t understand her or were a bad influence. Over time, Mark’s tactics grew more controlling. He discouraged Ella from attending social events, arguing they were a waste of time or that she was needed at home. Whenever Ella tried to visit her parents or catch up with friends, Mark accused her of being selfish and uncommitted to their relationship.
Gradually, Ella found herself cut off from her support network. Her friends and family noticed her growing absence and tried to reach out, but Mark intercepted their calls and messages, offering excuses or dismissing their concerns. Ella eventually realized Mark’s behavior was a deliberate effort to control her and sever her connections with loved ones. With help from a counselor, she began to understand the red flags of manipulation and took steps to reconnect with her family and friends, recognizing the crucial importance of having a supportive network.
Red Flag #5: Physical Abuse, Neglect, or Abandonment
Physical abuse involves any forced physical contact. It can be punching, slapping, kicking, pinching, hair-pulling, strangling, shoving… But it can also manifest in the form of neglect or abandonment. Invasion of personal space or being restrained against your will is also physical abuse. Throwing or hitting objects is physical abuse. Preventing access to required medical care is physical abuse.
Lena and Jake had been together for several years when Lena started to notice troubling patterns in their relationship. Initially, Jake’s physical aggression appeared as isolated incidents—an angry shove during an argument or a forceful grab when he was upset. Lena dismissed these moments as uncontrolled frustration, but Jake’s aggression soon grew more frequent and severe. He would shove Lena against walls, slam doors in her face, and even throw objects during his fits of rage. At the same time, Jake neglected Lena’s basic needs, failing to provide her with adequate food and healthcare. When Lena fell ill, he ignored her needs, refusing to take her to the doctor or get her necessary medications.
As Jake’s behavior escalated, he also began abandoning Lena, disappearing for days without any explanation or contact. This neglect left Lena isolated and struggling with her health, deepening her sense of abandonment. Lena eventually recognized Jake’s behavior as red flags of physical abuse, neglect, and abandonment. She sought help from a support group and counselor, reached out to friends and family, secured medical attention, and made plans to leave the abusive relationship. Lena understood she deserved safety, care, and support.
Red Flag #6: Stalking Behavior
It’s not only that they don’t want to leave you alone, but that they won’t. They feel compelled to accompany you everywhere you go, whether it’s work, home, the gym, or even your bedroom. Consequently, you can’t go anywhere unattended. They are always watching, listening, or hovering, exhibiting a pattern of controlling behavior.
Sophie and Ryan had been dating for a few months. Ryan began to cross troubling boundaries. At first, he would frequently call and text her, claiming he just wanted to stay connected. Sophie appreciated his attention but started to feel uneasy as Ryan’s messages became increasingly demanding. He insisted on knowing her whereabouts at all times and grew upset if she didn’t respond immediately. Ryan would show up unannounced at places Sophie visited, such as her workplace and favorite coffee shop, making her feel uncomfortable and watched.
As weeks went by, Ryan’s behavior intensified. He began tracking Sophie’s social media activity obsessively, commenting on her posts within minutes and questioning her interactions with others. When Sophie tried to address her discomfort and set boundaries, Ryan reacted with anger, accusing her of not valuing their relationship. He even started following her when she went out with friends, trying to insert himself into her private moments. Sophie recognized the red flags that Ryan’s actions were invasive and a form of stalking. She reached out to a counselor for support, documented his behavior, and took steps to distance herself from him. Sophie understood that she needed to prioritize her safety and well-being.
Red Flag #7: Walking on Eggshells
If your partner consistently keeps you in a heightened state of fear, anxiety, or fight prevention, making you feel like you’re constantly “walking on eggshells,” it’s a clear indication that you’re in an abusive relationship.
Emily and Mark had been together for several years, and over time, Emily found herself constantly walking on eggshells around him. Mark had a quick temper, and even the smallest comment or action could set him off. Emily carefully chose her words and avoided topics she knew would trigger Mark’s anger. She would rehearse conversations in her mind, trying to predict and avoid any potential conflict. Despite her efforts, Mark often reacted explosively, blaming Emily for his outbursts and making her feel responsible for his mood swings.
As Mark’s behavior continued, Emily’s stress and anxiety grew. She felt trapped in a cycle of trying to appease him while managing her own fear of provoking his rage. Friends and family noticed her growing unhappiness and tried to offer support, but Emily feared that even talking about her situation could lead to Mark’s anger. It wasn’t until Emily sought counseling that she began to recognize the red flags of the emotional manipulation and control she was enduring. With guidance and support, Emily learned to set boundaries and prioritize her own well-being, recognizing that no one should have to live in constant fear of upsetting their partner.
Red Flag #8: They Can Do No Wrong
Suppose every time you attempt to communicate about a relationship problem or one of their flaws they turn it back on you, resort to screaming, and you find yourself constantly apologizing and trying to mend the fence. In that case, you are likely in an abusive relationship.
Jessica and Tom had been dating for over a year. Jessica started to notice a troubling pattern in their relationship. Tom had a way of making Jessica believe he could do no wrong. Whenever he made a mistake, like forgetting important dates or breaking promises, Tom would shift the blame onto Jessica. He would insist that she was too demanding or that she misunderstood his intentions. Tom’s charm and persuasive arguments made Jessica question her own perceptions and feelings, convincing her that she was the problem.
As time went on, Tom’s behavior grew more manipulative. He would dismiss Jessica’s concerns and belittle her feelings. He continued to act as if he was always in the right. When Jessica confronted him about his behavior, Tom would offer grand gestures or apologies, only for the cycle to repeat. Jessica eventually realized that Tom’s inability to acknowledge his faults and his constant blame-shifting were red flags of tactics commonly used to maintain control and avoid taking responsibility. With the help of a therapist, Jessica began to rebuild her self-esteem and assert her own needs, understanding that a healthy relationship requires mutual respect and accountability.
Red Flag #9: Controlling Behavior
Controlling behavior can include managing finances, dictating job opportunities or bank accounts, and dismissing your feelings if they don’t match your partner’s. Emotional abuse may also involve making you feel worthless, using passive insults, or neglecting you. This control might extend to racism, sexism, or inappropriate jokes. Partners might even try to control your weight, beauty products, or appearance to manipulate you.
Samantha and David had been together for a year when Samantha started to feel uneasy about David’s increasingly controlling behavior. David insisted on making all the decisions in their relationship, from what they did on weekends to how Samantha should spend her time. He would monitor her social media activity, question her about who she was spending time with, and frequently criticize her friends and family. Samantha felt her independence slipping away as David’s demands grew more frequent and intrusive. He would dictate her wardrobe choices, telling her what was appropriate and what wasn’t, and insisted on knowing her whereabouts at all times.
Over time, David’s controlling behavior became more extreme. He began to isolate Samantha from her friends and family, insisting that they were a bad influence or that they didn’t understand their relationship. Whenever Samantha tried to voice her concerns or set boundaries, David would respond with anger and manipulation, making her feel guilty for wanting any personal space. Samantha saw the red flags and realized that David’s need to control every aspect of her life was a form of emotional abuse. Seeking support from friends, family, and a counselor, she began to reclaim her autonomy and set clear boundaries, understanding that a healthy relationship should foster mutual respect and freedom.
Red Flag #10: Addiction
Alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual addiction, and pornography addiction harm relationships and are considered abusive behaviors. Consequently, if your partner has an addiction, it’s crucial to seek help. Additionally, it is not your responsibility to get help for the abuser, who must want help for themselves. Seeking help from a professional could provide clarity on how you should move forward.
Claire and Mark had been married for several years when Claire began to notice Mark’s increasing reliance on alcohol. At first, Mark would drink socially, but soon his behavior escalated. He started consuming large quantities of alcohol every evening, often needing a drink just to unwind from work. Claire watched as Mark’s drinking became a daily routine, affecting his performance at work and their family life. He would often come home late, drunk, and argumentative, creating tension and conflict in their relationship. Despite Claire’s attempts to discuss his drinking, Mark would dismiss her concerns, insisting he could handle it and that it wasn’t a problem.
As Mark’s addiction worsened, he began to prioritize drinking over spending time with Claire and their children. He neglected his responsibilities around the house and frequently missed important family events. Claire felt increasingly isolated and stressed, struggling to manage household duties on her own while trying to support Mark. It wasn’t until Claire attended an intervention and support group that she recognized the red flags of Mark’s addiction and the need for professional help. With the support of counseling and addiction services, Claire took steps to address the issue, setting boundaries to protect her family and encouraging Mark to seek treatment. She understood that breaking free from addiction required commitment and support, both for Mark and for herself.
Conclusion
Recognizing red flags in relationships is crucial for identifying and addressing potential abuse. Moreover, whether it’s love bombing, gaslighting, isolation, or controlling behavior, these red flags can indicate harmful dynamics that need to be addressed. Additionally, by understanding these signs and seeking help when needed, individuals can protect themselves and cultivate healthier relationships built on respect, boundaries, and mutual support. Remember, it’s important to prioritize your well-being and seek assistance from trusted sources if you find yourself in an abusive situation.