Trauma bond occurs as a result of ongoing cycles of abuse, where the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change. This type of bond forms when an abuser alternates between treating their victim with cruelty and kindness, creating a cycle that confuses and entraps the victim. Over time, the victim becomes emotionally dependent on the abuser, finding it increasingly difficult to break free.
Leaving an abusive relationship is an incredibly difficult decision, often fraught with emotional and psychological challenges. Many women contemplating this step express two common sentiments: “But he knows me” and “I don’t want to start over in a new relationship.” These statements reflect deep-seated fears and misunderstandings shaped by the dynamics of abuse, particularly the trauma bond. Let’s explore these sentiments and the concept of trauma bonding to shed light on the complexities of abusive relationships.
Identifying a Trauma Bond
Within the cycle of abuse, it’s easy to fall into the emotional trap of thinking “But I love him/her” or “I left, but I miss him/her.” You might believe these feelings are genuine love or longing, but they are symptoms of a trauma bond. This emotional bond is not actual love or a true sense of missing the abuser. Rather, you may love or miss the life you envisioned with the abuser, but you do not truly miss who they are. Understanding this distinction is crucial for breaking free from the cycle of abuse.
The Complexity of Emotions
These emotions become even more complicated when you are immersed in the cycle of abuse. It often creates a drowning feeling, making it hard to see things clearly. The person you feel you love is not the person in front of you, but rather an emotional bond to your desire of who that person could be if they were to change. This idealized version of the abuser is neither realistic nor true love. Recognizing this can help you begin to detach from the unhealthy bond.
An Unhealthy Bond: Not Love
A trauma bond experienced after leaving your abuser may make it feel like you miss them deeply. In reality, this feeling is the result of an unhealthy bond developed during the abuse cycle. Abusers create this bond by breaking you down emotionally and setting up a codependent situation, tricking your mind into thinking you need them. They may convince you that “no one else will love you as they do” or use financial abuse and emotional manipulation to make leaving seem impossible. Understanding these tactics can empower you to break free.
Trauma Bond: “But He Knows Me”
When a woman says, “But he knows me,” it highlights a sense of familiarity and connection that feels irreplaceable. However, in abusive relationships, this knowledge is often weaponized for manipulation and control. This is known as a trauma bond, not a healthy connection.
He Knows You for the Wrong Reasons
Abusers excel at understanding their victims’ vulnerabilities. They learn your fears, insecurities, and hopes not to support you, but to use this information to maintain control. This intimate knowledge becomes a tool for emotional manipulation, making you feel dependent and trapped.
Recognizing Manipulation: Realizing that this “knowing” is a form of control rather than genuine care is crucial. An abuser’s understanding of you is rooted in their need to dominate, not in love or respect.
Reclaiming Your Power: True intimacy should empower and uplift you. Therefore, recognize your worth beyond his manipulative grasp. Seek support from friends, family, or support groups that offer genuine understanding and encouragement.
Trauma Bond: “I Don’t Want to Start Over in a New Relationship”
The thought of starting over can be overwhelming. After enduring an abusive relationship, the idea of entering a new one might seem impossible. The trauma bond creates an emotional attachment to the abuser, making it difficult to leave despite the harm. This bond can cause the sentiment “I don’t want to start over in a new relationship” because the victim feels a deep, misguided connection and fear of the unknown, preferring the familiar cycle of abuse over uncertainty. However, it’s essential to shift the focus from the pressure of starting anew to the importance of healing and breaking the trauma bond.
Understanding Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse, where the abused person forms an emotional attachment to their abuser. Consequently, this bond, often characterized by a cycle of abuse and reconciliation, can make leaving and staying away extremely difficult.
The Cycle of Abuse: The cycle of abuse typically involves periods of tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm. During reconciliation, the abuser may apologize, make promises to change, or show affection, which strengthens the emotional bond and makes the victim hopeful for improvement. This cycle keeps the victim trapped, as the periods of calm and affection create a false sense of security.
Breaking the Trauma Bond: Understanding this cycle is crucial in breaking free from an abusive relationship. Moreover, recognizing the patterns of manipulation and control can help you see the relationship for what it truly is—a cycle of abuse that harms your well-being.
Breaking Free and Healing
You do not have to remain bonded to your abuser. They are addicted to the power and control they exert over you, and you are their drug of choice. They will not break their cycle of addiction as long as they have access to you. Therefore, leaving the situation is not only healthier for you but also for them. By cutting off their access to you, you remove their “fix,” which can disrupt their cycle of control. This separation is a critical step toward healing.
Focusing on Healing
You don’t have to start over in a new relationship if you don’t want to. Instead, the primary focus should be on healing and breaking the trauma bond.
Healing Takes Time: Healing from an abusive relationship is a gradual process that requires time, patience, and self-compassion. Furthermore, it’s about rebuilding your self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
Self-Care and Support: Engage in activities that promote your well-being and surround yourself with a supportive network. Therapy, support groups, and activities that bring joy and fulfillment are essential in your healing journey. Prioritize your recovery above all else.
Healing with Distance
The good news is that with distance, no contact with your abuser, and time, the emotional bond will resolve itself. Maintaining a healthy support system is crucial in this process. Reach out to people who genuinely love you. Even if you feel your family or friends no longer care, this is likely not true. Your abuser has conditioned you to think this way. Reconnecting with your support network can provide the strength and encouragement you need to move forward.
Seeking Support to Overcome Trauma Bond
Support also comes from counselors, peer support groups, and abuse hotlines. You are not alone, and there are resources available to help you during this season of your life and beyond. Professional therapy can offer you strategies and tools to cope with and eventually break the trauma bond. By reaching out for help, you take the first step toward reclaiming your life and finding the peace and happiness you deserve.
Education and Action to End Domestic Violence
Understanding the dynamics of abuse and the trauma bond is essential in empowering yourself to leave an abusive relationship. At Wind Haven Foundation, we offer resources, support groups, and advocacy to help you navigate this challenging journey.
By educating yourself about the real reasons behind “But he knows me” and “I don’t want to start over,” you can begin to dismantle the manipulation and focus on what truly matters: your healing and well-being. You deserve a life free from abuse, where you are valued and respected for who you are. Reach out today and take the first step towards reclaiming your life.
For more resources and support, visit our Healing Portal or join our faith-based support group. Together, we can create a world where everyone has the opportunity to heal and thrive.
